I'd feel better by getting a woman's opinion, but we'll see what happens. Ok, a little back story... I married my first wife in 1976 (or 1977). We were married for eighteen or so years then we split up and ultimately divorced. I remarried, and then divorced a second time. During the second marriage we moved from California to North Carolina where I now live. After the second divorce I called my (adult) sons (from my first wife) and asked if they wanted to come out to NC to hang with me for a while. Both said yes and came out. Surprisingly, a couple of weeks later, their Mom followed (at their request, I later found out). This was almost two years ago. Since then, we have been living together and having a wonderful time. I remember why we were married in the first place and I'm thinking about making it (more or less) permanent. I'm not sure I want to get married again. I screwed up twice, not sure if I want to try for a third (at least not on paper). But I would like to let her know that I'm serious. So, a promise ring. Now, here's the question... I want to give it to her on Valentine's Day. However we won't be dining alone that evening. Would it be a faux pas to give it to her at dinner? Or should I give it to her before we leave for the restaurant? I already know her answer (in fact, she'd prefer something more than a promise ring), so it won't be a potential embarrassing situation. Our dinner guest would love to see her expression when I give it to her, but it might be more romatic if it's just the two of us when I give it to her. Our dinner guest is very close to the both of us, so she might not mind, but on the other hand... Ok, so there it is... Hit me with your best shot.
What are you promising? IF you were promising to stay with her for the rest of your lives, you'd make the commitment of marriage. A promise ring says I'll stay with you BUT we have an "out" clause if/when we want it. What kind of promise is that?
I agree with Ken. A promise ring is kind of like saying I 'm serious but not serious right now. As for before or during, I'd perfer it to be in front of people so even they know you are serious. It might show her you want everyone to know how serious you are. Just my opinion. But if you do get her a promise ring ,let it be kind of like an engagement type ring. A diamond or cluster.
It would be more romantic to give it to her when the two of you are alone. Then later, she can show it to your dinner guest and you'll still get to see the expression on his/her face. btw, it seems like the first mistake was not the first marriage, but the first divorce.
Clif has already stated that he does not want to get officially married again. And that's OK. He is clear about that and does want to repeat the same mistakes which I think is wise at this point. Marriage isn't the answer for everything. Love and commitment come from the heart. A legal marriage is just a piece of paper that documents a contract between two people. Is it always 100% necessary? no, it really isn't. If you are committed in your hearts, it makes no difference if the marriage is legal or not. If you feel more comfortable just living together forever, that's for you to decide and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Many people make this choice for all kinds of reasons. I think the ring is a nice gesture and would make a lovely valentine's day gift. I do think however, a moment like that is better in private with just the two of you. Perhaps you could hint around about it and let her get all psyched about getting the ring at dinner. Then when you are back home alone after she is all disappointed, surprise her with it. lol Whatever you decide, good luck with your renewed commitment! Christine
I don't think a promise ring is cheesy at all. I think it is very sweet. It shows that you are ready to make this step from a "new beginning". You wouldn't date a new girl for a few then pop a ring for marriage. You are just being honest and I think it is very sweet. Plus if you decide to marry later, she get's another ring!
I say give it to her before dinner also. That makes it seem more personal and that is probably what you want. Then she can show it off to the friends at Dinner!!! Just a quick question... if you love her enoung to say you want to spend the rest of your life with her promise ring (which generally means you love them and want to marry them one day) and you BELIEVE in your love this time... then why not marry her? Although, it takes 2 to make a marriage and want it. So if you just do not want to get married that is understandable. But I know if my bfriend started telling me how much he loved me and then pulled out a jewelry box..... that I would automatically think - PROPOSAL and not promise ring. So if you do just a promise ring make sure you do the conversation that does not lead her to think she is getting the "big" question.
First off, Clif, I wish you both the best. And I also think the first divorce may have been the mistake. Maybe your sons think so too. And maybe your lady as well...........deep down in her heart. And maybe even you...... In any case, do what feels right. Most times, when people plan, things never go quite the way they were set out to go. But, in my opinion, giving her a gift of any sort like this should be done alone. Your heart will probably be pounding and she will probably be shedding tears. This is like a second chance for both of you. It does not happen to everyone. It's very emotional and maybe very spiritual. I do not believe it is a coincidence or "just happened". I kind of feel like you 2 were menat to be. All of the things and questions that both of you have thought about over the years about one another maybe answered. What a chance........ The meaning behind this, while almost the same as the first time, is still different. Kind of like saying, "I have never stopped loving you. I am glad we have been brought back together again." You get to celebrate your renewal of love! And while I think a promise ring is a very nice gesture, you may want to make it a little different than most promise rings. You have alot of history and alot more future to come.
3 words: Past Present Future It's a very symbolic ring. You can also get a pendant or earrings instead or to match. If the person(s) joining you is one of your sons then they are part of your past together and it would be awesome to present in front of them(him). If not then I guess it would be just how the mood hits ya. Most ladies love surprises. Good Luck
I like all your ideas...but to catch her off gaurd. you can give it to her at the end of the evening in private. Ro
Clif, I'm not a woman and I don't know much about being romantic, but what you are doing sounds like a winner to me. You know yourself and your lady well, and have to decide the best way to present the ring. Although I will defer to the ladies on what is or isn't romantic, I do know a bit about human behavior. One axiom about people that usually holds true is that people like to be praised in public and corrected or criticized in private. By giving this ring, you are telling your lady that she is the most wonderful person in the world, and tha's pretty high praise. I would probably give it to her during the dinner. There will be time for the private moments later. I used to give my ex flowers on certain occasions, like our anniversary. I always sent them to her at work so that other people would see her receiving them. I may not have done a whole lot very well during the marriage, but I think I got that part right. Congrats, Snuff
I agree with Ro about catching her off guard. LOVE Koo's 3P's idea. Very symbolic and extremely romantic. Clif, follow your heart, Dude. I'm swearing I'll never plunge again...ever. My dad did it twice and swore he wouldn't do it again. He's been in a very committed relationship for going on 6 years now. She knew, going into it, how he felt. His reasoning is the same as yours. Sometimes we wish he'd marry, but I understand and don't give him grief. Hope you have the best of good evenings Wednesday! (Do you have a dog/s btw? If so, have her walk them that night. I'd love to see the ring .) Frogger
Here's the perfect Valentines gift..... WARNING ADULT CONTENT http://video.nbc.com/v/?linkId=51289# Seriously, I can tell you from past experiences that it almost NEVER works trying to get back together. Once someone has left the marriage, it may never be repairable. Been there, done that.
Ok, I just got back from buying the ring. I like kookookacho's idea about past, present and future, so I got her a three-stone similar to the one kookookacho posted (except without the small side diamonds). The three stones are a bit smaller (total weight - 1/5ct) and bought at Helzberg. That in itself is a huge deal for me who thinks of Wal*Mart as my local jeweler. If I can get a pic of it (without her seeing) this evening, I'll post it.
Congratulations Clif....and best wishes. C6 wears a three stone ring now..for our then, our now, and our future. We had a similar path. I've been fortunate in my life. I've gotten to love her twice, when we first met in the mid 70s, and again, now that I truly realize the woman she is, and the life that she offers. I'm twice blessed. I'd recommend your commitment to her, in front of your mutual friend. If the freind is as close as I percieve, you may want to include the friend in your words to your love...as in.. "Witnessed by our friend, I am committing my life and my love to you, for us to be togehter, intending each other, attending each other. This ring represents our past together, our time now, and my promise of a future to us." And when you need a someone to officiate, PM me. Good Fortune! H6/C6
