xZsxcZx xcsefsdfsgar5yw4yw5ydfgbvbmn,nk;ioi[il. :lol: OMG DYR? DYFBAFOFLYAO? IWYL. DARNB. :lol: :lol:
Silky, I know the hurt that you are going through. Things will get better. Probably not by tomorrow, but a day at a time. Concentrate on the positives of your day. Reach out. Seek counseling from a trusted counselor. Find someone to talk to who can help you see how to grow from this. Sitting around commiserating reinforces the negatives that you are in. You will need to grow, to look forward in your life and that of the children. They will wonder what they did to cause the breakup. Accentuating the negatives will only serve to confirm this to them and to you. The children will follow your example, either of being a victim and being reactive, or being proactive and trying to move forward. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. Remember, they are being pulled in different directions, and as excited as they may seem, at some point they too will question their feelings about being put in the middle. Don't equate their excitement at new things, with a lessening of their affection for you. Kids are often and so easily manipulated. When the children realize this in some years, your ex will regret it, because the children will want less and less to do with him. Not saying that you have to become a competitive parent, trying to win their affections. Be honest with them. It's ok to let them know that you are hurting. Don't dwell on it. And acknowledge that they are hurting and that it's ok for them to feel as they feel. Most school counselors can offer some guidance for them as well. Make sure that you let the school counselor know, and consider discussing this on a private level with their teacher, so that incase school grades and behavior take a turn for the worse, the teachers will have some idea as to what's going on, and can attempt to help and modify the behaviors. Good Luck!
Keep researching Silky, you have more weapons than you realize. Go for the child support NOW. Dont wait for visitation or anything else to be worked out. When he left you with the kids he automatically designated you as primary custodian. That in itself has some weight. Also if he does not keep his kids more than 123 nights a year then his child support goes way up. So do the math before you agree to what nights he can have them. I am not sure about this but I think without the visitation agreement you actually call the shots on when he can see them for now. There is child mediation services through Johnston County that is free that can help if both parents are willing....but again...do the math...dont give up or in too fast. The mediator;s name is Michelle Phelps. You can request that your children not have overnight stays if the significant other is in the house. He probably wont agree to it but then you say...well okay...see you in court. Until the visitation is worked out then you say when he can have them. He left them with you didnt he....so he only hurts himself if he wont agree to that and he has moved in with her. I would say definitely go to child support office FIRST. Get the child support NOW. That is based soley on his salary and with mutiple children that hole he refers to as an in ground pool may be more like his financial grave!!! You can actually get a great idea of what he will be paying just by going to the NC child support website and putting in the information on either worksheet A, B or C. (Whichever applies to your situation). As far as going after the woman. Not much of a chance there. NC is one of only a hand full of state that still carry the alienation of affection law. It is very difficult to prove (without pics or video) and very costly. Also you have to prove this woman is the sole reason he left...so if you have seperated before or had known marital issues....well you get the point. The alienation of affection law is a civil suit. The criminal suit is call "criminal conversation" where you more or less have to PROVE that they had sexual intercourse while you were actively married (actively being living in the same house). I would say...leave her alone...she isnt worth it...and their honeymoon phase will soon end. On that I would bet lots and lots of money. Protect your children...get the child support...do the research...and sit back and watch as his world will soon start to crumble around him.
I disagree with the tone and implication of JoCo’s advice. You make it sound as if she should hold the children as hostages until she gets a financial deal she likes. Or, that the children are property to be accounted for on a balance sheet. Bad advice, if one is concerned about the children's emotional and mental health. Apparently, you missed the topic in law school that day where the law presumes visitation and payment of child support as different issues. One can not hold the children hostage if child support isn't paid. And I can imagine how embarrasing it would be for the sheriff's office to remove the children from the custodial home for a court ordered visitation by divorce decree, all the while the custodial parent is screaming about the child support being late or not paid, or to arrest the custodial parent for not complying with the court order to allow visitation. Usually children have visitation with Mom on Mother's Day and with Dad on Father's Day, regardless of any scheduled visitation. It is easy to visualize a non-custodial parent showing that document to a deputy on that particular day, in the presence of the custodial parent who won't allow the children to visit. Two separate issues. That was why I suggested that any child support be paid through the courts, as missing one of those places the NCP in a contempt of court status. If the child support is paid from NCP to CP, and its late or never, then the CP has to file a suit to recover, which means attorney's fees, court scheduling, delays, etc. Additionally, the courts are trying to move away from declaring one parent as having custody over another. Most custody decrees are that parents enjoy joint custody, with one parent designated as having primary residential responsibility. Spite and revenge may seem so luxurious now, but will haunt you later. And, the children see how their parents deal with each other, setting this as the example they should use to guide their lives. Is it worth it to teach children to be any more spiteful than they lessons they'd usually learn?
Sure you do not want to run for office? People that once "loved" each other enough to get married and have kids, but yet will allow these thoughts to permeate during this process. I once had the pleasure of working with a lady that had children with an absolute deadbeat dad. She refused to say anything negative about their father and let them grow up and realize it for themselves. Maybe people should spend more time understanding their future spouse before marriage.
Pirate, No public office. The view from the cheap seats is good enough..LOL I try to recall, each time I want to strike back,an old saying that I heard, and have often thought to be so accurate. "Revenge is a meal best enjoyed cold and alone." Having been a child of a divorced family, and having gone through that with my own children, I usually (not always..hey I am Human...) tried to take the high road. It worked out so much better in the long run. And, my belief is that if someone is truly a lowlife, then eventually, the true colors will emerge. and the person who knew it, but didn't point it out gains much face.
Hattaras misunderstood... Silky, I never suggested or "advised" for you to hold your children hostage and I most certainly didnt "advise" for you to hold out for the financial deal YOU wanted. The courts/child support office determine the legal figure. I agree with Hattaras that maybe you should get the CS paid through the courts. A REAL Dad would already be paying you something!!!!! before it went to court, child mediation etc. My advice is until your spouse can be more willing to amicably work things like child support out then you should take the first measures to get the amount of money the state deems legal. Besides as Hattaras surely knows that if you wait soley on the court system....well depending on your financial status without your "hubby"; you and your kids could see some very bleak and hungry days. I certainly dont think that is in the "childrens best interest". And if hubby gets a good lawyer....the case could be continued, drug out etc...how long do you and you children go without while he is helping buy diapers for his new "grandchild" with his girlfriend. I also speak from personal experience...and get this...I wasnt getting divorced! I started dating a guy who simply left his wife because he wasnt happy....we started dating months after they seperated. His estranged wife and he agreed to an amount to be paid each month until the details of seperation etc could be worked out. And that took a while because both had different ideas of what was better for the children as far as visitation goes. BUT in the interim...the children did not suffer. And when it finally did go to court they determined he owed about $400.00 more a month and guess what.....he paid thousands in back child support for the months he was paying her less to make up the difference. Without fail, without complaint and was glad to do so. See, his kids wasnt why he left so it wasnt them that got penalized. Sounds like your hubby has responsibility issues. So all the legal mumbo jumbo in the world isnt going to pay the bills or feed your children. And the road to HELL was paved with good intentions and focusing on nothing but the happier days of the future. Mortgage companies dont want their check when you are feeling better....they want it now. He may really want his new girlfriend but if he isnt financially supporting his children in some way RIGHT NOW then he is exhibiting LOSER qualities. Until visitation is resolved you can have say so over where your children are, when and whom they are withl. Once visistation is established he can have his children around whomever....but again just the court system can make that difficult. I am not saying seek revenge...I am saying...seek justice. I think Hattaras knows the difference. I agree that you shouldnt speak badly of your hubby around your kids and vice versa....but there is an adult issue here that tip toeing through the tulips humming "dont worry be happy" isnt going to solve. Good Luck!
Silky, I'm so glad to hear your mother is going to help you pay for an attorney. Just follow your attorney's advice, and things will work out. I almost said everything will be fine, but you know the emotional damage will take time to heal. I'm sure your attorney will recommend getting the child support paid through the court. I have seen too many cases where the non-custodial parent said he paid it and the custodial parent said she didn't get it. Paying through the court protects both parties. All the advice, information, and personal stories on this board will certainly provide you with food for thought and give you ideas about things to ask your attorney about, that you may not have thought of otherwise. Best of luck to you. This is going to be a tough time, but you can get through it.
Silky, First of all sorry you are going through this. Words of advice... once you retain your attorney first thing required by law is mediation. You both have to go through mediation to see if you can work it out there b4 you go b4 the judge. Attorneys want you to work it out there first & foremost. You can not withhold visitation for any reason whatsoever. If your children are of the proper age then they can decide. I have been going through this matter for 7 years. There was abuse & he lost visitation for a yr. If the person follows what they are told then again visitation is allowed trust me. However, my kids are now 9 / 12 & they filed for revocation of visitation & they won. This is a long hard road don't bad mouth the father or his new fling for any reason in fornt of the kids. No matter what he has done & do not speak of it at work. Be ther better person. As for child support you can do that yourself for $25. Go through the court system they will figure it all out for you & they will garnish wages. Herein another thing they only way they go to jail is if they just don't pay if it is court ordered. My ex is $9k behind & we have been round & round I just stay tight with CSE one day he will eventually get what he deserves As for alienation of affection GOOD LUCK-but don't waste your time it cost my sister over $20k she won. It was so not worth it in the end. Trust me. Her case no children involved & this was in wake county. In the end she just won the house, belongings, & 401k but to have all this stuff aired & to be in the same room with the other woman was so not worth it. ok I have gone on to long good luck
Apologies to JoCO Girl If I misunderstood, please accept my apology. LI, long time no hear...glad you chimed inwith a different perspective. As for the end game for your sister being so not worth it, I agree. Most of us find that by the time the thing is finished, it becomes an anticlimax. You mentioned that your children were allowed to decide whether or not they would go for visitation. Was this divorce granted in NC? Sounds a bit unusual in that the NC courts have maintained that children under the age of emancipation or majority do not have the capacity to make these choices, as they are often manipulated into feeling this way. Not saying that yours were. There is enough evidence to suggest that this happens in a lot of cases. H6
Well hey to you too H6! As for my sister I treid to tell her. She learned the hard way. I do not suggest that route for anyone especially those with children. As for my children. Yes, this was in Johnston County. We filed for a motion in reduction of visitation due to his very bad past & continued problems in the present. The children have the right to decide every other weekend if they want to see him or not on their conditions & terms. The children their attorney (I retained) & their father sat in a conference room b4 hand & this was all approved by the Judge. Judge Love. It was the best day ever for my kids. This has been a very long ordeal for them over the last 7 years. I advise anyone going through this never talk bad about the other person in front of your children EVER EVER. The best thing out of all this is that the children learned who their father really is & what he is really like by following the law & doing what is right & now he has lost b/c he could not behave himself -so to speak.
H6 I know you know the law in this with the age thing & yes they sat in a room for over an hour with the attorney by themselves for him to see that there was no manipulation. Trust me. My little one will be 10 very soon & the 12 yr old will be 13 in a few weeks also. Both very smart & very level headed. That is what made the difference. Really not talking bad about their father in their presence all this time no matter what he has done. That is a hard thing to do. What I say when they are not around is a different story just wanted it to be said I am no saint in that area. I would be kicked off this forum if I wrote my thought about their father-you know what I mean
LI, thanks again for your perspective. I didn't mean to sound so nosy. I am glad for your kids that things worked out. As you recall, I am all about the children's needs first and foremost..yours, mine, everyone's..as they usually have no voice in events that will affect them for the rest of their lives. Glad that you were able to work things out for them Cheers! H6
H6 I know you are not being nosy. I just figured it might also help some others. You never know. Plus I hope I am right but aren't you involved with the Guardian program? I was going through training & had to stop b/c of the policy of going to court in the same county you are training. Anyway I will start back up again in the summer can not wait & if you are I will get to work with you so to speak?
Not as involved in the Guurdian at litem as I should be, nor are any of us. As a shout out, I'd ask the community minded posters among us to check out what the GAL porgram is, and what they do. Each and every day, they make a positive difference in a child's life..
