Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers. Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund). IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she: (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except when requesting money)? (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. BREAK-IN PERIOD When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse. ACTIVATION To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required. SHUTDOWN Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this. CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use". When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents." FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is "like so disgusting". She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents". Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, "ohmigod he is so hot!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy. CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different. OTHER MAINTENANCE Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High". Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work. WARRANTY This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there--you just have to look for her.
This is perfect for my best friend. Her daughter is, like, whatever. And, you know, like perfect-o, you know, for this. You know?
Wow...have you been in my HOUSE???? It's not limited to the daughter...the boys use all the hot water and (before I banned Tag) doused themselves with body spray. I haven't seen their carpet since ??? (have to know how to pick your battles). We made a hair rule...as long as it's clean, they can do what they want with it (they've got bald genes floating around, so it only seems fair to let them have control over their hair while they've got some!). I did call my mom when my daughter was 12 and apologize...she asked why I was apologizing and I told her 'for being 12...for the WHOLE year'....she just laughed! (guess it was divine paybacks). I will enjoy it when my kids call me with their stories! The lap dancer clothes won't happen... if she tries that, I'll just homeschool her and totally wreck her social world...
LOL Nice...just what I'm looking forward to. And like Clif, you like so don't do teenage girl talk that well, and all. :lol:
Like that wasn't you a year or two ago. Considering I am neither teenage nor a girl, I will take that as a compliment. Even more so, since you did know what the intent was.
My daughter just turned 12 and has almost overnight gone from my sweet child to something that resembles what you posted! Sigh....
This post is funny considering that just last night I watched the PBS Frontline called, "Inside The Teenage Brain" http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/ Well, my oldest will be 20 in March and he is on his own now, so I have almost survived my first teenage experience. My second oldest will be 15 in February and almost overnight... well, over the summer anyway... he became a virtual stranger in our home. The boy came home from school one day with his EAR PIERCED! :shock: He wants to wear his hair in his eyes. He acts sullen and answers us with one word sentences whenever possible. Ugh... and I have two more to go... :cry: HELP! :lol:
Glad you guys enjoyed the read. I'll have to say, My teen daughter does NOT fit the "slob" part. She is a neat freak. It's the sarcastic "attitude" that gets me. And the eye rolling and general "when did you guys become total idiots Mom & Dad" thing that gets to me. But, I just remind her that I am always here for her and I will help her through anything. And, I tell her I hope we can be great friends some day when she is grown. BUT...for now, I am her MOM, not her friend. Oh...the drama....some days I must admit I roll my eyes more than she does:roll:. But she does have real concerns that deserve my attention at times. All teens do. However, I recently reminded her that, while I am here to listen and help her, I am STILL her Mom and she will respect me. My DH's parents always said that parents know everything until the child hits about 12 and then the parents gradually become more stupid every year until they are total morons and the kid can only hear the noise Charlie Brown's parents make when we talk. Then, somewhere around 18-20, parents seem to begin regaining some of their lost brain cells and before you know it, the kids realize that Mom and Dad might actually be some of the smartest people they know On a positive note, as I posted in another thread, I got a tearful and honest apology from her today for acting "horsey" recently. I love it when that happens. Makes me feel like she hears at least some of what I say to her. All in all, I wouldn't take anything in the world for any of my kids. But...in this house, Dad is the King and as I tell the daughters...."There can be only one",....Queen, that is (& I'm not talking 'bout Freddie Mercury either:lol. Besides, I'm bigger, meaner, tougher, and too close to peri-menopause for them to make too much time off of me:twisted: Like, do you, like wanna see you 15th B-day? Cause, OMG, if you, like do...you should like, you know...totally shut the heck up, before I like, totally change that, you know, plan, like, OK. And...Vita, I'm so with you on the clothes. That's just NOT gonna happen as long as there is breath in MY body or her Dad's body.
I feel better, I thought it was only me he was doing that to:lol: And...I'll be sure to razz him about the earring. My DD was freaked by that when she saw it a few weeks back. I bet you nearly croaked. And to think....I remember back when.......ohwwwww....the memories.:?:lol: PS...cut him some slack on the lack of word usage...I mean, he can't help that part, ya know:lol::lol::lol:
....Bless you! Now, I wish that I could have gotten some of my former PRESCHOOL moms to take that stand (the li'l darlin's can be awful mouthy and a few of those parents said 'oh, I just don't know what to do!'...I told them they needed to nip it in the bud, now!)(little kids, little problems-big kids big problems...preschool is training for the teen years...) Amazing...My parents got smart like that, too! It's good that your daughter will apologize...I think they're human in there, somewhere! ..we should start a 'Queen Mother' support group!! I've been calling myself the Queen for years...every time they talk about how they should have a vote, I remind them that they live in a benevolent dictatorship, NOT a democracy (for that, they need to move out of MY house, get a JOB and start contributing to society!
