Well, I'll try to condense this long drawn out story as much as possible. Since I was a teenager, my sister (who is 8 yrs older) and I have never gotten along. In fact, my sister has really never gotten along with anyone in our family. She got busted as a teenager for selling pot, moved out of the house when she was 16 (because she knew everything). Eventually she got married and had children. She lives close to my parents and is a complete moocher. To top it off, she has a bad attitude and is completely disrespectful to my parents (making up lies about all of us, saying really rude things to them). They have kept the peace and basically let her run all over them because they want a relationship with their 2 grandkids (which I completely get). I have ignored the horrible things she has said about me to friends and just taken the high road. Well, that all stopped about 1.5 years ago when she finally realized she couldn't get to me so she would be mean to my 8 yr old son to get to me. Of course, that finally did it for me and I called her up with some choice words that really ****ed her off. We have been cordial but cool to each other on the rare occassions we have seen each other since. Well, over Thanksgiving she showed up to my parents house drunk (she and her husband are both alcoholics) and she caused a big scene involving physically attacking me and then cussing out everyone including my poor mom who has done nothing to her. My mom and dad said that they finally had enough and until she was ready to get professional help, they didn't want to see her again. Of course this means that they also can't see her kids (she has not reached out to anyone to apologize for the incident and knowing her, she feels she was right that night). Anyway, I told my parents after the Tgiving incident that I would not put my child through that again (he saw the whole thing and was really upset), so I won't be seeing her anymore. It has taken me years to get to this point, so I am really ok with this decision. In fact, it's a relief because she is like the classroom bully. The only thing I regret is that I won't be able to see my nephews and my son won't see them either. But since they can't drive, I really don't know of a way to get them together without me seeing my sister. My parents said they completely understood and actually agreed with my decision. Now, everything has been going ok except the other day I get a package in the mail and it's 2 gifts addressed to my son. The gifts are addressed to him from their cousins. Here is my dilemma: do I give him the gifts and get his hopes up that he will see his cousins again when I KNOW that this won't happen for many, many years, if at all (until one of the nephews gets a drivers license and comes to see us--assuming that would even happen) or do I give the gifts to good will and never mention them. My son has never really had a close relationship to his cousins but he looks up to them (they are 11 and 13) and he has that special connection when he sees them. We usually only see them 1-2 times a year and only for a few hours. My husband thinks we don't give him the gifts because he thinks that in our sons mind, it will give him false hope and that it's cruel to do that. My husband compares it to laying out a brochure to Disney world, talking about how great it is, and then when your kid says "are we going?" you snatch it up and say "NO, I was just showing it to you". My mom thinks I should give him the gifts (frankly I think it's because she thinks this whole thing will just "blow over" but sadly, it's not going to this time). It's weird because she says that until my sister gets prof. help she doesn't want to see her but then on the other hand she wants me to give my son these gifts and when he asks if he will see his cousins, tell him "I don't know". The interesting thing is that the other day I told my son "I don't know" when he asked me something and he looked right at me and said "I don't know" usually means "no". HOw can I argue with him when I know he's right about this situation. It's a sad thing that has happened but I'm wondering what others would do (please don't tell me to make up with my sister, it isn't happening for a lot of reasons (like verbal abuse of her own children which I learned about recently) not even mentioned here). Thanks!
I would give him the presents. If you usually only see them once or twice a year and he's only 8 I don't see the harm in it. If anything he will be happy they thought of him.
I would send the gifts back along with a letter telling your sister that there is to be no more communication/gifts of any kind until she gets the help she needs. Hang in there, family can suck sometimes. I always say friends are Gods way of apologizing for your relatives. I always refer to my in-laws when I say that :mrgreen:
I agree with this. I've been through it. An 8 year old will be glad for the presents and it won't matter how often he sees his cousins. When he's old enough, you can explain the situation. I wouldn't send the gifts back.
It sounds like your mom's co-dependency with your sister may be a big part of why your sister is like she is today. She sounds like a lot of moms and grandmothers who have wonderful intentions, and just want to keep peace in the family, but never learned how to give tough love. Your sister is a moocher only because your mom allows her to be. I'm not sure I would try to foster a relationship with cousins who have two alcoholic parents. If by some miracle they make it to their early 20's without being completely dysfunctional, there is still plenty of time to start a relationship with them then. I would focus on finding friends for my son with a more stable and predictable home life. They would serve him much better through his younger years, cousins or not. I'd give the gifts to my son and not make a big deal about it. Otherwise, I'd cut all ties and tell my mom I didn't want to be at her house when the sister was there. I'd wait for the sister to apologize and change her ways. Barring that, I'd make plans to cut her completely out of my existence.
:iagree: But, I'd make sure your son wrote a thank you note, addressed to your nephews back. I would refuse to acknowledge her until she got some help. However, by taking the gifts, and requiring your son to say thank you, you've taken the high road.
Are his cousins at fault for their parents' attitudes? Have your son's cousins treated him nicely? Is the gifts appropriate for your son's age? If so, I'd give them to your son. Children can not be blamed for their parents' behavior. These relationships between the cousins and your son may be different as they mature than that which exists between you and your sister. If there are no strings attached (such as a visit), I'd say there's no need to punish the children involved in an adult dispute that doesn't directly involve them. Her children sound as if they could be just as much as pyschological victims as the rest of your family and appearing to shun and exclude them may harm their feelings as to where they stand in the family. That's my .02 worth.
I would give the gifts also. Honestly I would probably have my 8 yr old send his cousins a thank you card also saying thank you so much for the gift and how he liked it a lot and then sign it with Merry Christmas & I may throw in a small gift card to each nephew to Wal Mart or Target for $10 each. It is showing the child that he is not in the middle of anything going on and that the best thing to do when people act crazy is to show them the right way to act. Just my 2 cents though. This way you are still avoiding the drama of your sister and her behavior but you are still showing your nephews you love them and giving a little bit of "normalcy" to the children involved. However, avoiding the sister in the same aspect. Her behavior is not healthy around your children or her own children. Very sad you have to deal with an adult like this :-(
I agree with what you've said, except that I would make the gift cards to Toys R Us or maybe Barnes & Nobles....that way the sister can't take the gift cards to Walmart herself and buy beer or wine with them.
Dear PB, . As for the gifts, give them, and send the thank you notes. . You are responsible for safely bringing up your children, and I support your not wanting to get them anywhere near this toxic situation. . Sometimes, the toughest love we show is what others need. Until and unless they find rock bottom, decide they want to change, and get help, there's little you can do, especially if you don't want to 'enable' the behaviors. To all of us, having a joyful loving family relationship takes work. Some of our relatives won't do their part. Some family relationships are just not worth the pain we feel, trying to fix or maintain them. We are exposed, via television (and bombarded during the Christmas period) with images and stories of perfect families, who are able to solve the issues confronting them in 30 to 60 minutes. We see show families like Andy Griffith's, the Brady Bunch, etc...and feel that we are less than they. Yet, these folks are actors on a stage or screen. I've often felt that the reason why so many people watched Married With Children, is that most of us felt that the Bundy family was closer to folks we knew and were related to, than the Cleavers, Griffiths, Partridges, and Brady family types. None of us should judge our family on what is supposed to be the TV 'norrmal" family. We all have our strengths and challenges. Yes, we try to love them. Liking them is the challenge. Concentrate on your spouse, SO, and children. They're most likely the people who will see you through thick and thin. All best!
You guys all make excellent points. I will retract my earlier advice and say go with the majority on here. You guys are pretty smart when you want to be. :mrgreen:
+1! Take the high road. Someday your sons and his cousins will be adults and may bridge the gap. Time -OK, age!- has a way of making people re-evaluate their lives; leave the door open to the cousins, and your sister (...with appropriate caution!).
Update: I talked to a child psychologist today about what to do concerning this pathetic situation. She said under the circumstances, she would not give him the gifts. Or maybe let "santa" give him the gifts but def. don't tell him they are from his cousins. She said it gives him false hope that he will see them and he's just too young to process all of this. My gut agrees with her, so I won't be giving them out from his cousins. This is a sad situation but until the children get older (or my mom and sister make up and my mom can get the boys together) and can see each other on their own, they won't have any contact with each other. And, I thought I would throw in there that I feel very confident in saying that my nephews don't even know my sister went and bought these gifts for my son. In the past, it has been very rare for my son to receive any gifts from them at all. So it's not like they will get their feelings hurt because he doesn't call to thank them. Thanks to all who put their 2 cents in. I am determined to have a Merry Christmas in spite of all of this!!!! Oh, I did send my nephews gift cards today. My objective has not and never will be to hurt them. Unfortunately the children are the ones to really suffer in all this.
Thank you for following up on this thread. It sounds like a painful situation for all involved. I wish you and your family nothing but the best. Peace.
