ut-oh, and you guys are not even married yet? Are you sure you still want to marry him. Somethings will never change. Maybe you need to move to California! LOL..............
The best advice I can give you is make sure your fiancee/husband makes you his priority. My husband has a crazy ex and a crazy mom. He doesn't let them dictate his life or have power over him. He's never let them disrespect me in any way. If they did, he'd let them have it. If you have any doubts that you're number one in his life, think hard before you marry him. By the way, I do love my MIL. She's just too controlling and I'm glad my husband doesn't let her control him.
I can relate to the MIL issue. Best I can tell you is to be cordial when you have to be in her presence and avoid being in her presence as much as you can. And try not to wear out your Fiancee about it. She is who she is and he most likely agrees with you. Good luck.
My fiancee absolutely feels the same way I do. He's always made it a point for me to be first in his life. He'll put my needs above his own and I'm thankful to finally know what it's like to have a GOOD man!! His mom hasn't liked me from the beginning and I've done absolutely nothing to her. I'm never invited to her house and it seems that she wants to have a relationship with my child without having anything to do with me. Sorry, but that's not happening. To get to my child, you have to go through me. If you can't accept me, then you can't accept my child. She doesn't realize that by her treating me the way she does, she's only hurting herself. My fiancee is also fed up with her. And Mother's Day, let's not even talk about that. She really ticked me off as far as that goes. From what I've been told, she didn't like the ex either. But I refuse to let her continually treat me the way she does and make my fiancee feel guilty about things. I'm SOO glad he and I have the same feelings about things.
Don't take advice from these inbred nutballs.....They are all from up North. Besides a few smart ones.
That's what counts. :cheers: You, your husband, and children are priority...then parents and in-laws. I know it's tough though. I hope things work out for you.
The best way to win this game is to not engage in it. make your happiness without them. If they want to be a part of your happiness, let them do this on your terms.
That was my reasoning for telling her that to have a relationship with my child, she has to accept me. We are happy without her regardless, but I won't allow her to try and be a "grandmother" to my child if she can't respect me enough to at least TRY to accept me...but she's not trying at all.
You have to redefine the relationship. And basing the example of family relationships on anything in the media sets you up for a disappointing time. Whether it was the Cleavers, Brady's or the Bundy's, neither family represents what actually happens in a family dynamic. I've encountered few challenges of substance that were solved in 30 minutes or less. Those that were solved that quickly lacked the depth of stuff you mention. The issues presented in the average Cleaver or Brady episode was such that they were a close knit family, encountered some minor issue, allowed the squabble to last for 3 minutes, solved the issue AND required the offending/offended parties to forgive and forget. No more realistic were the antics of the Bundy family. Yet, in the space of 30 minutes, any challenge to the preshow status was solved and the end of show status was the same as the pre show status. Sounds as if your family has about the same or similar issues that most families have. Our family mantra is the we put the 'fun' in dysfunctional. Yet, we've learned to not judge our family by an artificial Hollywood standard. Your main responsibility as a parent to to care for your children. Just as you'd probably not let them play with mercury, or explosives, nor let them play on I40, you have to establish some rules and parameters as to how you'll protect them with relationships. We pattern our adult relationships by many that we see as children. If the relationships that are forced upon children are dysfunctional, then those relationships become the 'norm' and that's what kids will replicate as adults. It takes incredible spousal support and trust to redefine relationships, based on your personal desires for your children to thrive. Often, strings must be cut, and that has ramifications in the her and now, as well as in the future. If your spouse understands and supports you, count your self WAY ahead of the process. Sometimes you have to say NO, and stick with it, regardless of the short term fallout. If the opportunity arises, I would let the person with whom I was redefining the relationship know why, not just the what or how. Don't make it accusatory, as I'll bet the success rate of that is 0. Couch it more by describing a desirable state your kids should be in, and ask the other party how they can help you achieve that state. Unlike a TV show, though, this isn't going to be a 30 minute fix. Best of luck!
I have a bit of a different experience. I have a lot of problems with my own mother, but I would never keep my children from her. She treats them like gold, and I would only be depriving them of the relationship I wish I had with her. Their relationship with her is not synonymous with my relationship with her. I have made sure to keep our issues separate from their relationship. That being said, I do have to set boundaries at times. I don't know if your child is her biological grandchild. I don't know if she is hazardous to your child the way she seems to be to you. Just make sure to take time to think about what your beef with your future MIL may be doing to your child. The same thing often happens with divorced parents. One parent dislikes the other parent and/or step parent and tries to keep the child away from them or talks poorly about them around the child. It's important, though, for the parent not to let his/her own feelings impede the forming of a relationship that may be very important as the child grows up. All that being said however, there are some absolute crazies that I would never want my child around, because they would be absolutely toxic to my children's mental and emotional health. Just don't jump the gun because of your own anger with the situation or ever use your child as a bargaining chip (i.e. "Be nice to me or you won't see my child").
Yes....he is her biological grandchild but...let me add to the story.. NOT ONCE during my whole 9 months did she ask how my pregnancy was going or how the baby was doing. She was invited to the baby shower and she didn't bother to show and she never came to the hospital when he was born. A MONTH after he was born, my fiancee had dinner with her for HIS birthday (of course I wasn't invited) and his words were, "----- is doing just fine, thanks for asking." She was like, "I was wondering when you were going to mention him." Really? It took YOUR SON to acknowledge YOUR GRANDCHILD for you to even talk about him? Sorry, but I think that's ashame! I'm not jumping the gun because of my anger with her. Her attitude towards me has gone on since early last year and I just refuse to deal with it any longer. She's not going to ruin my happiness and I just can't allow her to have a relationship with my child because she can't accept me as a part of her son's life. That child is part of me and to get to him, she has to go through me. That being said, my fiancee feels the same way about all of this. He supports my decision 100%. Oh, and she's only "tried" to see him twice since he's been born. He's now 3 months.
Life is too short to stress over people who treat you that way. Go, be happy, support your fiancee when he has to deal with her, and let her be the one left with regrets for what she has missed.
