NOTE: I thought it would be fun to explore the differences between men and women in a humorous light. To my bride: I love you and these are not neccessarily my beliefs! Stage whisper to 4042'ers: "I'm the head of the household and I always get the last word with my bride. I say, "Yes, Dear!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ON MARRIAGE I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always". I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffeRING. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days. "She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power." Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-laws. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all! If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to my cousin at weddings, poking her in the ribs and cacklin', telling her, "You're next." They stopped after she started doing the same thing to them at funerals. MEMORY Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. COMPREHENSION There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
9 words women use Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying TO H _ _ _ WITH YOU! Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
How men and women shower How To Shower Like A Woman... Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed. How To Shower Like A Man... Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your manhood in the mirror and scratch. Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Crack up at how loud it sounds in the shower when you pass gas. Wash your crotch. Wash your rear end, leaving hair on the soap bar. Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. Pee in the shower. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk. Partially dry off. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, and admire your manhood again. Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab yourself and, shout ''Oh yeah, baby!'' and thrust your pelvis at her. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
