I have 3 daughters. When their father and I divorced the youngest one was 11 months old, she does not really remember her father. Their father was very abusive. My ex husband has very little contact with them in the last 13 years, no birthday cards, no letters, no child support. Their father was placed in prison for rape and kidnap, last year and now sends the youngest (which is 14 now) letters. I am not sure if I should let the 14yr old read the letters. She has a unrealistic view of her father - since she can not remember him, she is in love with the idea of having a father. The older daughters want nothing to do with him. Ex is asking for pictures of the girls and I have a problem with sending them to him knowing he is in prison with other rapist and men that have murdered. I need advice- whether to let the youngest daughter have the letters and whether I should send him pictures
I agree with the squirrel. Absolutley NOT. Actually..............no way in hell. I feel for you. Best wishes, I know this has to be tough on you.
I have been keeping the letters, but needed some reassurance I was doing the right thing. When he gets out of prison and my girls will be adults they can decide if they want anything to do with him. I did not want to send pictures of my teenage girls for other prisoners to look at and whatever they may do
I don't have kids, but if I did, I would say No and Hell No. Biological father who has been no more than a sperm donor shouldn't get any parental privileges.
Here's my take, and I'm somewhat close to this situation in the fact that I am the step father to a very mature 10 yr old girl who barely knew her biological father. So I've seen her take on this, and after many discussions with her, feel that I can offer some advice. It's gonna take your discretion as to what maturity level your 14 y.o. is at. Because there may come a day when she gets the mail before you and sees a letter addressed from him in prison to her (Assuming he uses her name, not yours to address them) She may open them before you see it, and it could read, why have you not responded to my letters....Then you become the bad guy, even though he's the one in prison. It's tricky with Teens, as we all know, and you having older daughters, you're well aware of that. Though, they can be a big help in this by offering what they know of their *cough cough* father to your youngest. She's gonna have questions, she's going to want to know. While I agree that her seeing and reading the letters is a bad idea, I don't think it's one we as a community should be making for you. It's something you have to decide for yourself and for her. My advice is to read the letters, and if you feel she can handle them, allow her to read them, in your presence, so you can answer any questions she may have. Even though the others do not want anything to do with him, she may want a relationship. I've worked with youth that have had similar situations of wanting to know a parent and only knowing what they've heard told to them. It leaves them with more questions than answers. Sometimes you just have to find out for yourself, and make your own judgements. Sometimes you make a mistake, other times you bring out the best in people. Whatever you decide I caution this. Do not let her get the return address, do not let her reply without you seeing everything. You have the final say in whatever happens and she needs to know that. I think that discussing this with her as an adult (though she's not there yet) will strengthen the bond you two have ultimately. As for the pictures, NO NO NO...go with your gut on this one.
From another daughter who has a sperm donor that's been in and out of prison her entire life (drugs,rape,dui.. you name it) I beg you to NOT show her the letters or send him pictures. She will get wrapped up in pretty words and her heart will be broken a million times over. Trust me .... I know.
There are so many ways to look at this, but once you seperate the emotions from facts it sounds a lot like "Prison religion". He's in there regretting his life (feeling sorry for himself) and trying to make up for it. Now is not the time. Since she is 14, you might have to find a way to clue her in because as someone else said, she might find out anyway. That could make you the bad guy.
I would no way in hell send pics... As for the letters,, be upfront, be honest, don't hide anything, unless letters are inappropiate. Be respectful in how you do it, certainly he doesn't deserve it but she deserves it, let her know how,why and when.. use it as a teaching moment to better prepare her for the behavior of people and whats right and wrong in life. 14 isn't really that young with a subject as this.
I don't think this is a tough decision.........No, nope, heck no and hell no......... She's 14. For goodness sakes let her be young. She has plenty of time to be an adult. I don't think she'll ever be mad at you for making an informed adult decision on her behalf. Sherry
Thank you all for your advice. It was very much appreciated. As a parent you never want to do the wrong thing. You like to think you do what is best for your child. I will not be sending pictures. And yes the letters have been a little inappropriate with some of the language or context, so for now I would much rather keep the letters until she is a little more stable/emotional ready to read them. Anyways the letters always say the same things, just worded differently and how he has found religion, but never nothing about apologizing for his crimes or the way he has treated them. Drugs and women have always been more important to him and he just uses the kids as a pick me ups whenever he hits rock bottom. They have a wonderful step-father that tries very hard and is here for them.
I think sirputz has some very good points. I hope that you will let your daughters talk to someone professionally about how they feel about dad, his being in prison and all of that. I would advise the therapist of this situation and see what that professional feels your daughters can handle. I absolutely would not send pictures.
