DOG FOR SALE A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out,and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'
Q: What's the worst three words you can hear when picking up your blind date? A: "I'm Chris Hansen" Q: What's the worst three words you can hear when you're in bed with someone? A: "Honey, I'm home!"
Another talking dog joke. A son moves away to go to college and takes his leave of his family and the family dog, blue. A few months later, he's run out of money and calls his father. "Dad," he says, "there's an amazing program here that teaches dogs to talk!" 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Blue in that program?' Just send him down here with $2,000, the son says, 'I'll get him in the course.' So his father sends the dog and $2,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the dogs how to read.' 'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?' 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.' The money promptly arrives. But the son realizes he has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he comes up with a plan. First he'll give the dog to a nice family. Then he'll go home at the end of the year and explain. When he gets home his father is all excited. 'Where's Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!' 'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still seeing that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'' The father says, 'I hope you shot that dirty lying dog!'. He replied, 'I sure did, Dad!' ..... 'That's my boy!'
