1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. Dont worry about what people think; they dont do it very often. 3. Going to church doesnt make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 6. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.) 7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the vacation. 10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your differences. Love each other. 13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed. 17. Junk is something youve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 23. It aint the jeans that make your butt look fat. 24. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "obsession." 25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 26. You should not confuse your career with your life. 27. Nobody cares if you cant dance well. Just get up and dance. 28. Never lick a steak knife. 29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think shes pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 33. Your friends love you anyway. 34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. 35. How old would you be if you didnt know how old you are?
13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. My daddy and the boys from the lodge used to have a thang that they called "doing the dishes." They'd take plates and saucers out of the house, throw them up in the air and shoot at them with bird-shot. So I know for a fact that at least one man has been shot doing the dishes. And I know of another who got slapped upside the head for stealing the dishes... sorry pop.
