People have often said to enjoy my children because their childhood will pass so quickly ... and it is! Just curious to hear from those with grown or soon-to-be grown children ... looking back what would you have done differently (if anything)? I'm not talking regrets. Would you have spent less time running from activity to activity? Would you have traveled more and ate more beans and rice to do it? I thought it would be interesting to hear the perspective from people who are at the other end of this journey raising their children.
I know its late for you now but I have 2 girls who are 2 and 1 years old (my irish twins) From my experiences growing up where my parents went wrong was that we didn't too much together as growing up because they were busy raising us, working all the time, etc. But when we were in our teen years, we we were so active in school activities, hanging out with friends, we even had jobs at 16 so we were always busy. That was when they wanted to travel, do things with us but we never could. Now...My husband and I do lots of things with the lil ones so when they do get to be at those ages..we want them to have fun with school activities, their friends, etc. Maybe pick one weekend every other month for just the family, go some place or local. I do know for one thing....gotta keep those kids focus and and busy so they don't wonder off and get in trouble. LOL Ro
We all would have done things differently. My take is that we spend all our lives in our children to get them ready to leave the nest. We've all have to make choices looking into the future as best we could. Most parents do a fine job, and should be commended. We made the choices early on to spend our time and coin on the kids, which is probably why I hope the wall mart door greeter gig is available for me later. Your kids will have a certain time frame during which they want to be with family, and then that time passes. They grow, find older friends, and their interests may diverge from yours. Once that time is gone, you can't recover it. So, if you put off the time thinking that you'll be able to retire and then spend time with the kids, that's a miscalculation. You'll have the time. They will be too busy starting their lives. Just as they start getting a clue, getting interesting, can form a independent thought, discuss things on a mature level..they graduate and move on... And, if you haven't cemented a good relationship with them by now, it probably ain't gonna happen. Even those strong relationships take a beating when the kids first get out and think they are mature. They don't realize the long term effects of the choices they make. Parents can only sigh, shake their heads, and hope for their kids to get it together before too long.
We have 3 grown children and 6 grandkids. All three of our kids are college graduates. None live in our area. We did a lot of traveling throughout the US as a family when they were growing up. That was quality time. They were very active in school activities and we spent a lot of time taking them to their activities. Spend the time with your kids while they are growing up, it will be the time and memories you will cherish for a lifetime. Now we get to keep the grandkids in the summer and spoil them and then take them back home. What a grand life.
I may be a little off topic, but SOMEONE out there needed to read this... I think the most important thing, especially for girls, is a strong loving relationship with their fathers. That's where a girl learns how she is to be treated and cherished and loved and respected. She sees how he treats her mother too. My father left when I was 6. My brother was an infant. I saw him may be 5 or 6 times in my life since then and I am now 42. And the most of the "visits" were initiated by me. I wanted a relationship with him badly. But I never got it. I went to see him in 2001 for the first time in 15 years. I spent a few days with him, got to ask my questions and got know him..... a little. A few days will never make for 42 years. He died a year later. :shock: My brother never did nor did he try to have any contact with him. According to my brother, he had no father. :cry: And no one could blame him I suppose. Now the most ironic thing about this is when I went to his memorial service, he was cremated, there were all these people there who knew him for years and loved him like family. And then there was "me" and my uncle and his family. Five of us. These other people spoke of him as though he was a "saint", in a way. It was hard to know what to think. I felt like a "friend" of the deceased instead of his daughter. :? So, I guess what I'm trying to get across is this. The relationships with our kids and the time spent is SO important and valuable. If you're divorced and have custody issues, unless there are abusive issues, parents need to quit holding the kids over each others heads. I might add that my mother never did. She wanted us to have a relationship with our father. It was HE who chose to be the way he was. I know everyone is concerned in some cases about child support issues. You know what? If the parent who is to be paying the support is a good parent and wanted by the kids to be in there lives, who is the other parent to deny it based on money? :? My dad NEVER paid it. Garnishments back in those days were referred to as a "wage attachment". Each time my mother tried it, he quit and changed jobs. But would she have held us from him if he wanted to be in our lives based on the support issue? No, she wouldn't have. :wink: I know there are exceptions in this but the way the world is today, BOTH mom and dad need to be there whether support is paid or not and whether they like it or not. Take it from me, I am one of those who wanted my dad in my life and didn't get it because of him. Unless there is abuse in the picture, if you hold your kid(s) from the other parent over money issues and the parent WANTS to be there, YOU are making a BIG mistake. Settle all the money issues in court. Let the relationships that are most likely wanted and needed happen. You only get one mom and dad. Kids need both and DESERVE both regardless of how the parents feel about each other. My relationships with men were always extremely volatile and rocky until I met my husband. I think I would have been more careful about my relationships with men in my past had I had a solid relationship with my father. Don't get me wrong, my husband is awesome! But I have a hard time with letting him handle anything household wise. He does handle stuff, and very well I might add, but I saw my mom do it all alone and I suppose that was a learned behavior. Anyway....Men, be there for your kids and give your daughters all the love and affection and cherishing she can get. :wink: Ladies, be there for your kids and show your sons how to treat a woman the right way. :wink: Don't be devious and mean about letting each other be with the kids. Kids see that and do you really want that kind of thing to be a learned behavior for them??? :?
Great post blessed, it was almost like reading my biography! Except I had a "birth" father and an adopted one (I was 8 when my Mom's second husband adopted us) Neither one had anything to do with us kids after the divorces. It is a miracle I've only been married once and we are still together after 16 years of marriage!
Wow I wouldn't have waited so long for our divorce. We were done when our children were 3 and 6, when we first moved out there. Our children spent many years listening and watching many arguments and fights. Now I am not bashing my ex here, I won't do that, I am speaking honestly. I know "robo321" will post and honestly he should agree with me we were over when they were that young. We stuck it out for the sake of the kids. For the sake of the kids become more and more angry. I personally fought a big depression for the last 3 years of marriage, and 1 year after. My kids deserved better than to be around parents who never got along. It took two. I don't regret anything with my 15 and 18 year old. I am proud of who they are. I love my son very much and he has a good life living with his father. We see each other as often as possible and talk all the time. My 18 year old is living with me in Colorado. It is not a traditional arrangement but our kids are good. My daughter graduates this year and has chosen a college and been accepted. She is working at one of the ski resorts near us. She has a good head on her shoulders. Divorce isn't the answer for everyone but in a household where so much arguing goes on sometimes it is. I feel like Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire sometimes. Maybe, just maybe some things would not have been so bad, maybe is something I can't live for though I have what is now.
Very nice, Blessed. Although I don't have any children, I can speak from the point of view of a "once child". :wink: Don't try to be your kid's friend...especially during those teenage years. 9 times out of 10, I didn't like what my mom's answer was to my questions like, "Can I go out past 9:30 on a school night?" etc...I remember feeling VERY unhappy with her, but now she is my BEST friend and I absolutely see the method to her madness. As far as my relationship with my dad went...I adored him and her adored me. He worked a lot, but ALWAYS provided for me. He truly was the first man I ever loved as well as my hero...along with my mom, that is! So basically...don't try to be your kid's friend. They need you as a parent. I'm not saying don't be there for them to talk to...but they should always know you are the parent and they are the child.
The only thing I would have done different was to divorce my ex a long time ago. I lived in constant turmoil in not knowing what my ex was doing behind my back. I wanted so much to be happier but I wasn't because I was always cleaning up the mess. Ok, enough of the soap..... I know that if I would have divorced a long time ago and I know I could have been so much more to my kids even though I was always there for them. Currently, I have decided to put my personal life, as far as a relationship, on the back burner because my only wish is to allow my kids to be the most they can be and I don't want anything to get in the way. I wouldn't know what a good relationship is like because to honest, I never had one! I am however having the time of my life and once they are on their own I hope there will be enough time to find someone special.
Okay wasn't going to do this here but decided to speak up for myself. Robo321 ... we agreed on the fact that for our kids sake we each would of been better had we divorced sooner. But why the personal dig at me? No need in fact I said you were good with our son who lives with you and that we do our best for our kids. Make digs to me personally not publicly...we are almost 3 years apart ... mistakes happened it took two. We parted ways. Be happy our kids are as good as they are, they are healthy and happy. Be happy our daughter is graduating, working, and going to college come July. Sorry to the group but he's made a few of these and I try to keep my end on a positive. I will continue to do so and not make any digs on anyone. I am not perfect but who here is???
i would not change taking them from one activity to another. and have as of the last 2 years ate cheaper and dome without somethings to do vacations and more of them and the kids now do about what they are wanting, skatin ring, movies and such. i have them so short a period I try to enjoy and make it memorable for them and for me.
I have teenagers. One just left for college this fall the other one goes next year. I do not regret for one minute spending time going from activity to activity. If anything, I wished I had done it more. And yes we have had to cut corners with some things in order to do other things. My house is where all the kids come for sleepovers. I always have a house full of teens on the weekends sometimes even when mine are not here. Spend all the time you can with your kids. I tried to and mine have never gone through a stage where they didn't want mom around. I am now going to Campbell 3 times a week to visit my daughter. If I don't go she's calling to see what's wrong. I have been a single mom since my girls were 3 and 4 and we have always been very close. I never remarried and won't until they are on their own. I cherish the relationships I have with my girls and proud as a peacock for the beautiful ladies they have turned out to be.
Ah, it flies by... I have one in high school and 2 in middle school. Don't over-schedule your kids... the fun stuff they remember will be the unscheduled stuff (my kids' favorite vacation was when we camped in Shalotte and went to a different beach every day and most of our food was cooked over the campfire). I think about when I get together with MY family at holidays...the stuff we laugh about and remember fondly did NOT happen at piano or dance lessons, or at football or baseball practice...it happened during that unscheduled time. Let your kids have down-time on summer breaks (or Easter and Christmas breaks)... they don't get that as grown-ups...it is a good part of childhood! Don't buy them whatever they want, whenever they want... they won't appreciate anything then, and they'll feel entitled to everything. That attitude of entitlement will not help them at all when they are grown-ups...(think about it, who wants to be married to or work with someone who thinks the world owes them everything NOW)... Teach your kids to see how blessed they are with what they have and they will grow up to be much happier (and much more pleasant to be around). Mostly, be dependable...if you do what you say you are going to do, and set boundaries...your kids really will trust you. Be a grown-up...your kids have friends, they need a Dad and a Mom. They'll be your friend when they're adults (my parents and I are really close now, because they acted like adults when I was a kid, I knew I could talk to them about anything and they wouldn't freak, and I knew that they had high expectations...it made me want to make them proud). Lastly, and it seems little, but it really is important... have family meal time...around a table, around a kitchen counter, all together in the living room, but be together... we have some of our funniest conversations during meal times... Enjoy the time, and don't wish it away (you know, "I can't wait until she can walk...", "I can't wait until he can read to himself...", "I can't wait until she can drive, so I don't have to be the taxi..."...) enjoy this time...it goes way too fast already! Be blessed!
